here are all of our heroes

Rarely do I start a bad movie review right off the bat. I usually see a movie, realize it's bad, then write one upon a re-watch. When you have a movie called Puppetmaster vs. Demonic Toys, you don't have to wait. More specifically, if you have a movie starring Corey Feldman, then you can write from the first scene.

If you're not familiar with the Puppetmaster series, then you wouldn't know that it was about a trio of puppets brought to life by a sorcerror who just felt like it-- I think. Regardless of how it started, there are living puppets. I'm not familiar with the Demonic Toys movie, but it's apparently about demon toys (of all things). I don't know the back story, but c'mon-- they're called demonic toys! We start with Corey Feldman, who had grey-ish hair. He is, in life, probably only ten years older than his film daughter, but his raspy voice really pulls off the old man thing.

We happen to have Vanessa Angel, of old TV series Weird Science and comedy classic Kingpin fame. She is the head of a malicious toy company that has it out for Feldman. They know he's a genius, but they want to exploit him rather than work with him. In the midst of cheap footage and campy acting, we aren't sure what to think of the film's own seriousness. Should I laugh because it's bad or did they make it bad enough for me to laugh at? Who cares either way? That's a classic bad movie review question for the ages. The evil toy company has some henchmen try to take these puppets.

In case I didn't mention, Feldman is a genius toymaker who happens to have a focus in chemistry. This cemichal expertise gives him the ability to revive the puppets that belonged to his great gand uncle. The puppets, in the series, are to protect the family that he belongs to. Toulon, Touton, Futon, something like that. Frenchies. Regardless of their name, Feldman is one of them. Anyway, the henchmen cause a ruckus, then the puppets try to protect themselves and cause a fire. What a mess, huh? The puppets get "burned," but they look okay.

In defeat, the guys go back to Vanessa Angel, who's crazy. She wants toys to do her bidding and protect her. She's not the sharpest tack, but what're you gonna do? We learn that the toy company has a contract with a demon. This is odd, but mentioned without question. Vanessa Angel gets the receptionist, Christine, to become a sacrifice to the demon in question. The Christmas Pals, which are apparently the same as demonic toys, are the "board of directors" of the toy company. Vanessa Angel does a great job at switching between emotional poles. In one instance she's calm, another angry, another sad, and then a psychotic demanding-- and that was in less than 50 seconds. Vanessa's good at that.

Back at the Feldman ranch, he still looks fake-old. At the first half-hour mark, we can be officially bored. It should be noted that the movie containts original music from Peter Bernstein (I think that was the name). It sounds like the same music from Retro Puppetmaster from back in 1997. If it is, then this makes another staple in the Puppetmaster series. I always figured that the budgets for the Puppetmaster movies put music last and that's why it sucked so much, but if they're bragging about it in this one, then maybe it's on purpose. If you were to imagine it without hearing it, I would have to describe it as baseball stadium organ with backup from a casio keyboard.

Vanessa Angel went to sacrifice a virgin receptionist. I might've forgotten to tell you. She was pretty hot too, which goes against most random dead virgin victims. They usually take the ugly girls that could look pretty, but don't try. Then, since they're ugly, it's assumed that no one will miss them. Her death scene is lame though, and no nudity can be seen because it's a made for TV movie. Do with that what you will.

I can't help but laugh at our demon. It's got a lot of horns, which is understandable. It also has long, stringy hair, like Tommy Lee. The pointy elf-ears are also lame. It's a bad complament to the red and black complextion. And it's wearing something unique armor too. It has a gold-plated chest shield and an olive loose-fitting jogging suit of some sort. The deal for the toy company and the demon is that Vanessa Angel will take over the world, while the Demon gets Toulon (that's right) blood to get some revenge or something.

I find the whole premise of this movie ludacris. Heh. That may be the first time I've said that in a bad movie review. To step back, we have a bunch of toys called Christmas Pals, they're America's number one toy, and also demon seeds of a... well, demon. They have about 6-9 million sold and on Christmas, they will come to life and allow Angel to take over the world. In the meantime, Feldman's camp is busy trying to not get their ideas stolen by the evil toy company and keep bringing their puppets to life. I guess we expect them to stop the whole take-over-the-world scheme too, but who knows how that'll happen because now, 50 minutes in, they don't know about it.

Corey Feldman has a running grudge against his ex-wife for running off with a young boyfriend or some crap. I don't know if we'll meet her or not. Remember when Corey Feldman was on The Surreal Life? Yeah, that was before this. Remember how he got married on that? That was nuts. There was a bit of a to-do with a cop earlier in the flick. It was a lady cop that Feldman was attracted to. I can only assume that this means that they'll end up together in the end. The demon is mean too. It's one thing to sell demon toys, but the ones that don't sell are gonna get donated to charity. That's wrong, huh? That means needy kids who have a crappy Christmas to begin with are gonna get a worse Christmas by having evil toys under their trees. What a bastard.

I've come to the ultimate conclusion that Vanessa Angel, despite my previous thoughts on her, is a HORRIBLE actress. I always figured she was okay, but that she was more suited for comic roles. Unfortunately, she seems awful overall-- some of her words aren't even well-uninciated. What is also awful though, is a chase scene in a hallway. We can only assume that Corey Feldman runs like a girl, but when he really does run like a girl, then we're more than pleased. Of course this girly run gets him in trouble when the demon baby toy attacks him. This was unusual, but what the hell isn't unusual in this movie? Corey Feldman broke into the toy place, then saw that one of them was alive. This was scary for him and he ran.

Corey Feldman got arrested by the cop who he thinks is hot. She can't act either. She lets him go on good will and with the Christmas spirit and all.

HA! The puppet people, Feldman and daughter, just realized that they're dealing with demon-worshipers because the guy who attacked him had a tattoo similar to the logo of a death metal band. That's terrible. I guess it works though, in a funny way. What doesn't work is the curious attack of killer toys that come over on the policewoman when she goes to check out the Feldman house. They have since moved to the former mother-in-law's place, which is a mansion. Not too shabby, huh? Ironically, when she runs away, the one Christmas Pal attaches to her car. Now remember the puppets that were damaged in that fire from about an hour ago? They finally come back into the movie now. They're bionically beefed up by Feldman as he had to repair them. Their power is also astounding. Never before have puppets been so incredibly powerful. It's actually bothersome. They have lasers and incredible strength, among other things,

Our crack team of Feldman, cop, and daughter figure out that the toys will come to life when on Christmas morning, which is now only ten hours away. Will they be able to save the world?! Let's hope so. I think this could be the most bored I've been in a bad movie review.

Just before Feldman & daughter go to save the world, he decides that it's time for a bathroom break. Vanessa Angel's goons come and wreak havoc. They end up back at the toy factory, where the daughter is being held, ready for sacrifice. In addition, Feldman is being psychotically woed by Vanessa. Angel continues this craziness as she wants to have a child with Toulon blood. If the kid has some Toulon in it, then the puppets will protect it (and assumingly) her.

When they go to sacrifice another virgin receptionist, I start to wonder if that's why sex is rampant in America. In one sence kids lose their innocence very early, but in another, it appears to do quite a bit of good in that they can never be used for sacrifices.

Action starts to happen when the puppets start to kill demon toys. One, the monsterous clown jack-in-the box, is offed easily. Dude, get this, Feldman is in the elevator and he realized that the sun goes up in about 4 minutes. That means they have four film minutes to save the world-- and it looks like ten realtime minutes. The ending looks like it's an open book by now. The demon toys will be stopped and Feldman hooks up with the cop. We'll see what more lame crap comes in addition...

This movie sucks. This is me, kids, telling you not to watch it ever.

In a shootout with the toys, demon-worshipers, and the puppets and the good guys, we have vicious one-on-one toy fights and a virgin who's gonna get her blood sucked from her in a minute. I find it funny that 1) the demon does nothing to help anyone in the fight and 2) he doesn't seem upset at all when the sun rises and they miss the chance to take over the world. I guess an immortal demon can think about the other chances it has in forever. We seem to have lost a puppet in the fight. For a toy-fixer to lose a toy to damages, I can't figure that out for the life of me.

Well guess what? The demon toys are defeated and Feldman ends up with the cop. How shocking. I need to make a movie on this channel... BAD.