that's what i'm talking about-- original artwork by me

Okay, I have a question for the ladies: Doesn't it get cold when you wear the low pants with the short shirts? I know, I know, the male audience is going to get mad at me for implying that the ladies should cover up. I apologize gentlemen, but I worry about our human contemporaries. I know sometimes when I wear a shirt that leaves my sides exposed, it gets pretty drafty. I'll pull up my pants or pull down my shirt, because we all know that's how you get pneumonia. What a crappy word.

I sit in my office and kids walk by most of the day. Some days it's really cold out, but they have the sides exposed anyway. It's a strange thing, because I can't imagine why. I can't imagine someone going, "Yo girl, your sides are really turning me on!" And even if they did, would that be a valid excuse to show it off? I would think it's a reason not to.

The stomach seems okay. That's a core part of the body. You know that's close to the part that always stays warm, but the sides get cold. Believe me, I know. I used to wear cut-off shirts all the time. Back in the day, it was my clothing of choice. Some of the kids from back in high school will remember; the cut-off shirts and the spandex pants with the black and white checker pattern down the side of the leg, topped off by my Days of Thunder hat from the classic movie. In those days I was always sick, then I started to cover my sides, and boom-- I'm always healthy.

The poor ladies these days have so much pressure to show off their skin. It's an indiscriminating pressure though, and often the girls who don't know that their belly shouldn't naturally hang out (if they plan their wardrobe correctly), will let it because all the other girls have their bellies showing. "I may as well get it pierced too-- to draw more attention." Yes, all of God's children are beautiful, but not all beautiful people should have exposed lovehandles. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, and before I go on, I'd like to represent everyone I know by asking the rhetorical question, "Why do you think we want to see your stomach at all?" Or maybe "Who said your stomach was so nice that we have to look at it?" I know I'm getting very utopian lately, but in an ideal world, maybe they would send out certificates, or ID cards, so that you could bring it out when I ask you, and then you'll be clear. And to clarify, I don't mean people who stretch and you see their stomachs, they're fine. I mean when you wear a shirt that you know won't cover you up. When you make the conscious decision in the morning to say, "This shirt is too small and it will show off my skin. I know that, and I will wear it." From there, imagine me standing behind you in the mirror, in an echoy, fading voice, going, "Why?"

Some women walk around habitually wearing shirt-and-pant-combos that show off their midsection (did I cover all of my synonyms yet?). I never understand that, because you know that it's 40 degrees outside and that they're cold. What men are actually in is what we call a catch 22. People whose bellies they want to see aren't equipped with the padding of chub to make themselves stay warm. On the flipside, you don't want to see fat billowing over tight pants, so you ultimately live your life as dissatisfied with the midriff (forgot that one) as everything else.

Is there a way to win? No. There never is. Just give up. Or wear dresses. Not enough people wear dresses. Marissa's friends do, so they're cool, but seriously, break out the dress and shake some things up. Otherwise, you can wear your American Eagle tee shirt just like everyone else. Oh-- but remember, as Marla informs me, Uggs and skirts are so last year. So brave the winter elements and make me proud with some diverse fashion. The world is yours, and 80% water... think about it.