your new messiah?

Stop me if you've heard this one before:
Magician walks on stage with his lovely assistant. He goes, "Abracadabra!" and the assistant is pregnant. She says, "I didn't sign on for this!" and he goes, "Looks like that was your mis-conception." Ba-dum-ching!

That's what David Copperfield's next TV special will be all about. The magician claims that he will impregnate a woman on stage without so much as touching her. This means that the world has gone absolutely mad and that there is no turning back. I think this really is one of the signs of pending doom. Here's a guy who's trying to do something that hasn't been done since The Bible.

Will David Copperfield be the new messiah for a whole generation? Does the achievement of this trick mean that he can have an entire cult of religious followers? And more importantly, will the baby have those piercing eyes and bushy eyebrows?

I think another important thing to consider is the practice. We all know practice makes perfect, so he must be doing this several times before he actually does it on TV. How many David Copperfield kids will be walking around, immaculately conceived? Will we get to see Claudia Shiffer? She would be one hot Mary for this modern biblical mockery.

Oh here's a nice interesting fact about Copperfield too. At age 16 he was teaching magic at NYU. As if you don't have enough of a reason to have contempt for the rich kids at NYU, Magic counts as a class-- and the professor is 16 years old! Magic. Ugh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is enough crap going on in the world that if God sends down a wrath of fire, I won't be upset or unprepared. I'm not going to confession everyday to cleanse my sins, but I'm prepared for the end. How can you not be? Sure, there was that guy who walked around the country dressed and looking like Jesus, but Copperfield's skipping the Son and going right for God himself. That's ballsy man.

I hope one day, when the internet becomes an artifact, someone finds this page and thinks of me as a prophet. I have my finger on the pulse of the future, and it's slowing.