if a chimp can do it...

It's time. Someone needs to finally take Nicholas Cage out into the middle of the street, make him get down on his knees, and shoot him in the head. Okay, I'll give you the stomach if you want too. That way he can bleed out slowly and more painfully. Bottom line, he has to go. And I really feel it should be a public display. In case you hadn't heard, he really did have a child yesterday, and he really did name it after Superman.

While the name Clark would be cute and normal, Cage realized that the baby may not get its ass kicked enough, so he went with the Krypton name, Kal-el. I think that should be a reason to have someone locked up. "But Pete, you just said he should be killed." Yes, I did. This is because Nicholas Cage has sucked in everything. It's at this point I will share the entertainment anomaly I like to call Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. The Cher tune is the only thing Cher ever did that didn't totally suck. Everyone has one. You can pick your worst celebrity ever and they'll have one thing that wasn't horrendous. I'm thinking Fred Durst... you should be thinking "Rollin'" and how insanely funny that video was with his arm extended in front of him, simulating the turning of a steering wheel back and forth. You got me?

Well Nicholas Cage's Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. was Raising Arizona. This movie was made for him. You can't imagine anyone other than a prematurely balding, funny-looking man striving to take himself seriously, but always falling on his face, in that role. That was Nicholas Cage. Time went on and through a series of action flukes, Cage became a star. No one knows how it happened except that he happened to be around when people were breaking out of jail and bringing in the bucks. Then came Face/Off, where he did a John Travolta impression for half the movie. This made him an ultimate bastard. "C'mon, Pete, what about Adaptation?" Oh, I give you he was okay in that, but the point is, a lot of other people could've pulled it off, probably better.

So combined with the fact that Cage sucks, he went and named his kid after an alien. Jerry Seinfeld didn't even do that! Basically, someone has to kill him, and you can use my site in your trial for defense. I can take some heat.

In other completely lunatic news, reporters have confirmed that a chimp has finally kicked the habit of smoking. She smoked for 16 years, after they moved her daughter to another zoo and her spouses (spouses?! screw that... how about monkey-lovers?) died. Ai-ai, who's living at the ripe age of 27 has managed to quit by listening to lots of music and adding some fried dishes to her diet. She also gets dumplings with every meal now.

Ai-ai started smoking in '89 when her first monkey-lover died. How did she get the cigarette? Nobody knows... Well duh! The zookeepers did it. I guess they were drunk or something. You'd do it. So they give the chimp some smokes, but I'm willing to bet she ate the first few before they taught her how to smoke properly. All that is in the past though-- she's done smoking and now demands music like she used to demand cigarettes. This means that she exchanged one addiction for another, but this one will only make her go deaf if she overdoes it. What's worse? Her new addiction is probably worse than crack. It's Chinese pop music!