Transportation Run Amok
By: Pete Phillips
July 24, 2007

why ride a bike in the "city" at all? all those red lights? it's stupid

PENNDOT sent me a little notice yesterday. It said, "Hey, loser, you're still a licensed Pennsylvanian. Please re-register for another year of being embarrassed when you drive in New Jersey and other surrounding states. Thanks, PENNDOT. Booyow!" As if that wasn't rude enough, they had the guts to put a little thing on the back of the envelope that was a little character giving me the middle finger!

Okay-- that's not all true. The only true part is that I have to re-register my car for this state that I hope to leave soon. But there was a picture on the back of the envelope-- and infographic if you will. It was a little dude on a motorcycle, with these words underneath: "We're Out There."

It's about time somebody speaks out against these motorcyclists. I don't think Pennsylvania should be going around promoting their safety, but PA and I don't agree on many things. I have no problem with the leather-bound, pool-playing, beer drinking rapists that ravage the countryside on motorcycles, infused with a pack mentality and the protection of blind confidence through peer pressure. I have no problem with that at all.

And it's no wonder everyone's going green. Pollution is a total menace. Trash, toxic waste, gasses, the vapors (nobody beats the Biz), and NOISE! I live off of the main street in Downtown Wilkes-Barre. By no means am I trying to make that sound like an impressive thing, but when I try to sleep at night, I get vrooms and other noises coming from obnoxious motorcyclists at all hours of the night. Unlike most of my building, I'm under 65 and not half-deaf, so I hear it much more than my neighbors do.

I can't forget that "you're out there," because you insist on riding one of the loudest vehicles around. I have hoped to witness wipe outs on motorcycles, and I'm not proud to admit that, but we're all friends here-- it's all about honesty. When I'm at a red light and, for the first time in years, Calloway's "I Wanna Be Rich" comes on, I'm enjoying it! But when some motorcycle comes up, revving away his/her inadequacies, I start to think of how they should die. I mean, I shouldn't have to suffer eardrum damage because you need to prove your manhood.

I understand a need to ride your heart out, with the wind in your hair and the risk of having gallons of gasoline under your crotch, but that's what open roads are for. Get out of a "city" and go into some mountains! We haven't heard a "he took the turn too hard and drive off the edge into a pit of fire" story in a while. Contrary to my tone in some stories-- I really don't want people to die. But there's something about the rudeness of a motorcycle that really makes me go crazy. It does no good for anyone. Now I can't hear Calloway, and money won't satisfy me at all-- I don't wanna be rich, I wanna destroy a motorcycle.

Maybe it's just two-wheeled transportation too. After all, there's been a real surge in moronic bicyclists lately too. For some reason a stem of the bicycle contingent decided that the sidewalk was no longer their home-- it was time they ride amongst the cars, at significantly slower speeds. I've only seen this happen when sidewalks were totally empty too. I thought, "Of course, they don't want to swerve around people on the sidewalk," but each time, the sidewalks were empty.

I walk to work, mostly because I'd rather be mistaken for someone who can't afford a car rather than someone who doesn't want to drive one, but still prefers wheel motion. I've experienced kids on bikes whirring up behind me and passing me really fast. It can be alarming, but it's better than them being hit by cars. That's exactly what could happen as I try to edge around them while I'm driving, trying to not collide with an oncoming vehicle in the opposite lane.

What's more, people moving on foot are even getting more selfish. I don't have two friends to walk with in this town, but if I did, I think we'd configure ourselves so that we didn't all stand next to each other and take up the entire width of a "city" sidewalk. Okay, I have walked with more than two other people before. Whenever we saw someone coming in the opposite direction, we'd reconfigure our formation so that they would have enough room on the sidewalk. In Wilkes-Barre, there are many people who don't do that.

I'm starting to wonder if it's me. Should I stop wearing that "Hey there, I hate friendliness, so treat me as shitty as possible!" tee shirt that my sister gave me? Should I move away? (SAY YES!) I'm not sure what to do, so I trudge on, wondering when they'll play "I Wanna Be Rich" on the radio again, since I missed half of it to motorcycle sounds. I'll wonder if it would really be as funny as I think to tap the back tire of a bicyclist in motion. I'll go on thinking of which end of a row of three people I want to fight for sidewalk space. I'll try to quell the beast of propriety enforcement and try to be nicer.

We'll see how that last part goes...