Bruce Willis The Return of Bruno
Bruce Willis doesn't make me smile. Aside from his stellar comedic perfromance in Disney's The Kid (which I still haven't seen, but is the only film I credit Willis with), Willis has always left me with an icky taste in my mouth. What's worse, Willis thinks he's a musician too. Listening to his debut record, The Return of Bruno(?!) really sets back my listening standards a few dozen units. I would imagine that after hearing this record, the Joey Lawrence album would sound great. With that out of the way, let's take a look at our songs: Willis takes the stage with a harmonica and a heart, lighting my ears with shallow excitement and a dash of kerosene. His rendidtions of "Secret Agent Man" and "Under the Boardwalk" leave me wondering why Demi Moore could have left such a musical genius for the likes of Ashton whateverhisnameis. The original songs, which were probably penned by someone else, really pack a humanless punch. This record may have been Michael Keaton's inspiration for his performance in Jack Frost, but Keaton rocked the house much better. I wouldn't mind a record from him, but fate is so cruel. God-willing you won't come across this record ANYWHERE, but if you're dying to hear it, head over to mp3.com and buy it.

Alyssa Milano Look in My Heart/The Best in the World
Recorded for a Japanese pop label, these records are full on crap. I gotta be honest with my second bashing in a row: a celebrity record is a very delicate beast. You need to realize that you're a celebrity that isn't famous for music, but that you will be trying music out. What makes Shatner/Nemoy/Mr. T so good at this? The fact is that you can't tell if they're trying or not. You can't recognize if they're serious or joking. That's the art in the celebrity record, and where Milano, and Willis for that manner, fall short. Milano is trying to actually be a singer, which isn't a bad attempt since we're bombarded with Britney Spears wannabes who can't sing for crap. What those acts have is production value. Glossed beats and recording help make a shiny sound to hear, despite how awful their voices/lyrics are. Celebrities, regardless of the fact that they already have money and can afford production, don't put their eggs in the studio basket; they seem to believe that a name can sell a record. This is dangerous and just not true. Now Milano, she's trying to be a second coming of 1980's fave Tiffany, but she fails miserably.

She'll always be lil' Amy Fisher to me!

I guess we can't blame Milano alone, after all it appears she was just a puppet, someone else wrote the songs, played the music, and boxed it. With lyrics like, "Let me be the one to take away your fears/it won't hurt for you to take a chance/You know it just takes a minute to show you that I love you," it's obvious that this is not worth a purchase. Then again, this type of sound does come out of Japan a lot. Maybe they like it?

Jennifer Love Hewitt BareNaked
While many wish Hewitt would get barenaked, she just released a record by that name in 2002, and it did okay. Between the looks and the (ding-ding) high production value, Hewitt manufactured a fair record by celebrity standards. Of course it's obvious here that she is also trying to be a star in the music industry, which makes you drown a little. But she's not half-assing anything, she's going all the way--few people know that "Bitch" songstress Meredith Brooks was Hewitt's mentor on this record (she had a hand in writing all but three songs). Still, our superclean Party of Five gal is not willing to yell bitch over and over, so we end up with Brooks sounding music, but poppy words, sung adequately enough by a looker. Why this didn't work 100% escapes me. She's got a better look than most of the pop gang, and she sings just as well. Maybe she doesn't have the moves on the dance floor? I do have to offer my condolences to the visously murdered "Me & Bobby McGee," the last cut on the record. This creative process couldn't have been worth the rights they paid to play the song. What we have is Hewitt singing the song over bongos, without any twangy guitar riffs or gritty-sweet vocals, like the original. I would've kicker her out of my studio for something like that. I guess we can give some credit in the fact that Hewitt did distance herself from the other acts like her previous works, but it wasn't far enough to make a difference. Trumpety songs like "Where You Gonna Run To?" make any consistancy faulter. All in all, this is someone who coulda' made it, if she didn't mysteriously kill her career a few years ago.

Billy Bob Thorton Private Radio
With an opening song like "Angelina" playing now (an ode to the love of he and his then wife Angelina Jolie), it's no wonder why they didn't work out. "They said we would only fake it, for a while/but we just looked at them and growled." Clearly they are the oddballs that everyone made them out to be if they actually growled at people. Thorton is embarking on a new road with the album, but his road was very short. With deep country roots, the voice of Billy Bob Thorton is as creepy as ever, but not the voice from Sling Blade, which is unfortunate. The best thing about this record is how he tries to write legitimate country songs. In one, he puts distance between his love and himself ("200 miles and a donut tire," to be exact). This may be one of the creepier celebrity records out there because it's Thorton. His performance is admirable if only because he tried so hard, but it was all in vain because the final product is something that is very listenable, but you definately don't want people to know you would actually partake. The record ends up being like Leonard Nemoy's; creepy on many levels, but still not so terrible that you want to jam a pen in your ears. Thorton also takes a step out of most celebrity records by actually singing on his record. The voice isn't so terrible, but is certainly eerie when you hear it. The production is more real than any record, and his overall sound ranges from old classics to power-country like Garth Brooks. There's no Toby Keith sounds, so thank God for that. I guess the settlement on this record leaves me on the fence. The album isn't really awful, but the fact that you know it's Billy Bob Thorton and some of the words are really spooky (in one song he was pulled over by the cops while wearing pink feathered panties) makes you feel uneasy while listening, like someone may come by any instant and find you moderately enjoying it. Listen with caution, and a locked door.

Chris Burke Love Songs & Lollipops
Now there are some things that people should never do in this world, and exploiting the mentally handicapped is high on that list. Many may know Chris Burke as Corky from the sitcom Life Goes On. While I enjoyed the show, and his performance, I gotta say that someone was quite cruel to ink a record deal with him. I'm not totally sure why this record was released, but you can still but it on cassette from his website. He covers some classic songs like "California Dreamin'" and "Ob La Di (Life Goes On)," but this record can really only have one audience and that's other mentally handicapped people. Bear with me on this, but first of all, no one can actually enjoy this music; it's just bad. Secondly, anyone who isn't mentally handicapped would either feel guilty listening to it, or be a bastard and listen to it to mock mentally handicapped people. I think if you're in Burke's position and you're making a CD you, or the people around you, need to realize that it's a very delicate situation. You can't just jump in the studio without practice and lay down a top ten record. Regardless, I think that's what they did, and the production value is on the same level as Bruce Willis'. That is yet another reason why you need to tread on ice with this process. If you're running the risk of making it appear that you're exploiting mentally handicapped people, then you may as well beef up production so you can say you tried not to. In the end, Burke had so many forces working against him that the record wasn't bound for chart status; instead, Burke and a couple friends made an album or two and just had fun. I guess when it all boils down, he was in a financial position to make his own record, so he did. That's pretty cool if you ask me. But I gotta say, don't look for this record, unless you have no soul.