If the Shoe Fits...
By: Pete Phillips
July 17, 2003
8:32 PM

Pictured: Inmate 4987D

Help is needed ASAP in Pete Phillips' life. I got new shoes, and they're wreaking havoc all day long. You can see the picture, they're nice, eh? I get plenty of compliments and lookers peering at the shoes, but there's also a problem with them. Whenever I walk to work, or walk around in the student center, or the bathroom--there's always someone following me.

Who is this crazy person who is following me around? Why are they in constant pursuit? Do I have enough money to satisfy a robber if they catch up to me? Will I be able to fight for myself? Will people realize that my support for pacifism is just laziness at it's best?

Or do I have to worry at all? It took me some time to realize that I'm not paranoid, but my shoes do appear to hold more powers that I knew (no, not like MC Hammer's shoes).

My shoes appear to have some sort of minor adhesive on the bottom that helps them stick to the ground. When I walk in any other shoe I own, I don't hear any sounds, but with these shoes, it sounds like someone's walking close behind, mirroring every step I take. These shoes are cool; they offer good support, a nice fashionable look, laces that aren't too long, and a perfect shoe experience for feet like mine. The fit is snug and the comfort is indescribable--so why would I have such contempt for them? It's that whole lurk-y stranger thing.

I wonder if I should part with them, but then I consider all the good times we've had for the short amount of time we've been together. All the walks to work.... Well they were nice walks, what do you want from me here? You know I'm bad in the mind department. Will one fault be the thing that makes me part ways with the shoes? Is that all it takes? I've tried rubbing them in dirt to make the stickiness go away, but it hasn't worked yet.

I have trashed shoes for less. Some shoes go away for looking funny, some pass on because they just don't fit, and some have been thrown away for that tedious noise that creeps out of the sole of my shoe after wearing them for about a year. It's an annoying one. They go right away. So I will keep these shoes, I'll continue giving them a chance, second, third, and more. Will I always have them? Maybe not, but they'll last, because I like them. I may not like everything about them, but I like them nonetheless.

We are talking about shoes, right?