Darlin' don't you go and cut your hair...
By: Pete Phillips
July 9, 2003
8:32 PM

the new haircut, as modeled by this  lame-o... no wait, that's me

A haircut can really tell you a lot about people. I don't mean to imply that you should judge people based on their haircuts, but if you went and cut your hair, you'd see what I mean. You know your friends and enemies when you get a new hairstyle. Your friends will say, "Wow, that looks stupid," or "Hey, nice haircut--the last one was nice, but this is nice-er!" Your enemies, on the other hand, will say, "Wow, that looks good--words can't describe how ridiculous you looked before!"

Some people will take the new hairstyle to the limits of acceptability, like my fake friend who speaks in random popular dialects all at once, "S--t yo! That head is whack! You be stylin' son! Y'all ain't gotta wear no hat no more, but-cha could use a fancy new belt buckle to make all the beach bunnies wow when they see you rip the big waves dude. Did I say shiznit?"

He's a funny guy--it's a real shame I had to make him up--but seriously, why are people getting so mad at me when I stand over their mutilated corpses with a bloody stump beating down yelling, "Don't call me Petey you ba--ard!"--no wait, that's another article--this is the hair, right? Who knows? Look, if you change hairstyle you should do a few things before you jump right in:

1. Ask your friends if it's a good idea. "What would you think if I...." is a good way to pose the question.
2. Assuming your friends approve, go home and think about what you wanna do. Screw your friends--they're only friends with you because you're easy anyway.
3. Act. Get your hair cut, but make sure you get a good hair-cutter or you could end up like me, left with a new hairstyle by accident.
4. Absorb the feedback.
5. Compile a list of the people who tell you mean things, like "That makes your head look really proportional," implying that your head was once not proportional.
6. Write "Dead People List" on the top of your list.
7. Seek revenge by making everyone think you're going to kill them, but don't...
8. Instead, cut their hair off so they can realize that all hair comes back with time, unless you're going bald.

christina aguilera will never turn you on again... haha! I win!

I really have nothing to worry about in my position. In a week or two I'll have a 'fro, to use the parlance of our times (insert Big Lebowski joke laughter), and my residents will call me Retro Petey instead of Pimpin' Petey Pablo.... Ok, I'm back from my searing hatred--So look everybody, if you wanna separate the friends from the 'friends' then you should cut your hair in a new style and see what people have to say. You don't have to make it elaborate, just change it a bit and see what happens. You'll find the people that really love you when you do it--it will be good for you in the long run. After all, look at all the poor celebrities who don't have people that love them; you can tell by the hair--Carrot Top, Billy Ray Cyrus, Christina Agui-I've-lost-interest-in-spelling-this-right.

You long time Pete Phillips friends, I ask that you do one thing for me, think back to the good ol' 8/9th grade years when I had all that hair--there's a free laugh, on me!