lWell, the cover's lame, but it had to match the rest of the series

Once in a while we get some requested bad movie reviews. One day, in conversation with Greg, he said. "Yeah, Wes Craven's New Nightmare-- what the hell was that?!" I saw that as a novel invitation. One theme we can tackle in this movie review is the self-awareness of a movie. Generally, a movie should be aware of itself in two forms: characters and plot. Sometimes you'll have a different awareness though-- an audience awareness. This engages the viewer in a Zach Morris type of fashion so that they can interact with the audience. We have such interaction in this, the seventh installment in Freddy Kreuger's series of Nightmares on Elm Street.

As a start-up side note, did you see Robert Englund is trying to get MORE money out of the Freddy name with a proposed Freddy vs. Michael Meyers (Halloween on Elm Street). This came after Sam Raimi must've laughed his ass off at Dimension when they courted him for Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash.

In the New Nightmare, Freddy takes on the real world. Apparently Freddy was killed off in Nightmare... 6. I can't say that I'm a Nightmare on Elm Street expert, so I haven't seen six-- though I do look forward to the possibility in the future. Anyway, Freddy stops being real and starts being a spirit in this flick. We start with Heather Langenkamp, the first female lead in the original Nightmare on Elm Street. She has a son and husband; and a stalker and a surge in scary dreams.

The first hour of the movie is a nice long setup. To catch you up, as I've just started, she's being terrorized by a stalker and bad dreams, her husband got killed in a car accident that left his torso scratched open, and she's worried that her kid is an incarnation of Freddy. The kid is some little creepy kid. We all hate kids in movies, right? Of course. Why do we hate this one so much? Because he's that creepy bastard from Pet Cemetery who could barely speak while he chased his dad around with a knife. The kid's been in more crap too-- all the way up to 2002's Clockstoppers.

Back in the movie though... We got Wes Craven and Robert Englund playing themselves, along with a bunch of other Hollywood types. The story flows like golden molasses: unbelievable and very slow. Sure, a horror movie's going to be unbelievable, but this is too much. On one corner of our map we have a child-possession story, in another we have a life vs. fiction struggle, another is a stalker mystery, another is a making-of, and another is the classic killing spree. None of it is superior, and we end up unsettled more than enjoying the movie. It also helps for us to distinguish between the real and fake Englund when they make Freddy "darker."

NINETY MINUTES in, we finally see Freddy again. He's been gone since they killed him in the last movie. I just caught up on the storylines-- no real explanation about why or how he died, but who cares? Now I can watch the sixth one some time! This movie's working out like those Halloween ones where they have the little girl connected to Michael Meyers. They see Freddy act, then rush to the kid to see what's up. Strange I guess. Wait a minute-- the kid just puked on his mom. They were going for an Exorcist thing?! C'mon now.

Why do they always use hospitals in these movies? Who knows? Well the doctor seems to think that the mom, Heather, is bringing on the kid's case of dramatic sleep deprivation and possession. Freddy goes and kills the babysitter, who seemed nice enough. We also had a part where Heather went to Wes Craven's house to wee what is up with him. Turns out he's writing the story of what's happening as it's happening. He claims that Freddy is like an ancient "genie" who was captured in the Nightmare movies like in a bottle. The movies ended, and now Freddy's out of the bottle and able to run amok.

Freddy does just that as he takes the kid out of the hospital and, presumably, sends him on his way to a suburb to kill some hapless kids. Whoops, no. He had to go get his dinosaur to help keep Freddy away. Once Heather starts playing her role as a helpless victim in reality (instead of the strong mother), Freddy comes to life and prepares to wreak havoc. Our main desire is to make sure Dylan is okay, but I really think they should've let him go. The kid's scary, and this is going to be his acting pique, so we should've let him go.

But, my dear readers, we can't let Dylan go, because he's a little kid, we we all love kids, right? Heather takes sleeping pills so she can be joined up with her son, who will be in a dream world controlled by Freddy. That sounds like an easy fight. In the midst of action, that kid stabs Freddy. That kid is always stabbing people. I hate that kid.

I just realized that the whole problem with this Nightmare on Elm Street series is that they came too soon. Special effects weren't nearly good enough for the visuals they needed to convey. The evolution of effects wasn't nearly far enough along to have the scariness that is needed.

Oh, everyone's ok-- except Freddy of course, who is presumably in hell. That's it, man. I'm done. If you're a genre fan, this is still sub-par. As always, stick with the original!