The sign in question. Too strong or too clever?

Despite recent efforts from around the country Luksic Hall has still been a hotbed of urine from the latest member of the residents. The resident, grudgingly referred to as "Newbie," hasn't budged on his stance against flushing the toilet. Very few seem to understand why this flushing can't happen, but new efforts to make him change his tune have pushed him to the edge. The main advocate for flushing has been Pete Phillips, another resident and founder of the Flush or Die campaign. His efforts have been far reaching, from yelling "Fluuuuuush!" when he finds a floater in the bathroom to a brilliant sign posted on the bathroom door which bore the word "FLUSH!" with the F, U, and ! in 450 point font, and the other letters in 40 pt. This sign brought laughter from all residents that saw it, but got no laughs from Phillips' own girlfriend, who prompt tore the sign down claiming that it might, "Hurt someone's feelings." Phillips stood firm in that it was supposed to.

Recently I had the chance to sit down with the anti-flusher, Newbie, a man whose efforts to be downright gross cannot be squashed. In the following (fake) interview, Newbie explains his stance and why he is the way he is.

PPO: Thanks for giving me this opportunity Newbie, you don't mind if I call you Newbie, do you?
N: Not at all.

PPO: Recently there's been a lashing out against your bathroom behavior. Could you tell us what this is all about?
N: Certainly. You see, some people take proactive stances on things, like protests against war. Some people take a reactive stance, like freaking out in an argument. Me? I decided that an inactive stance would be best. When I go to the bathroom, that is all I do, no more. I owe nothing to anyone. Oftentimes I don't even wipe because it's just too much effort. 

PPO: That's great, you were supposed to tell us about the lashing out...
N: Oh yes. Well there was a sign posted on the bathroom door that offended me quite a bit. It took me a bit to decode the message, but it seems that someone made a graphic design error that resulted in an emphasis on the letters "f" and "u." Outside, I could take it, but on the inside, I was crying a river of tears. I just can't understand why no one understands me.

PPO: Help me understand, Newbie. Help our readers understand why you don't flush.
N: Well, it's just too much work. See, I go to the bathroom just like anybody else, but I don't know if they realize the amount of work that goes into it. I mean, you're releasing fluids or solids from your body-- I mean that's big. If you're releasing stuff, you should try to conserve what's left, namely, my energy. In this respect, I'm justified in my non-flushing. It's all logical wheels set into motion. Plus, I'm concerned about my declining posture in the future. One way I'm combating the effects of daily activity on my back, I'm cutting out flushing altogether. All that, plus I'm a jerk.

PPO: So I've heard. What do you say to critics that claim your habit of not flushing is disgusting because it gives bacteria and disease a place to fester for hours at a time.
N: Screw them. They can flush for me if they have such a problem. I mean it's not my job to flush the toilet. That's for feeble-minded people to do. I worked long and hard so that I could be quarantined to this dark hole of King's College that everyone ignores, and dammit, I don't have to flush for anyone! They shouldn't be concerned about disease, I mean look at me-- I'm healthy.

PPO: True. One night, there was reportedly a toilet so full of excrement that it was near over-flowing, what can you tell me about that?
N: I did it.

PPO: Okay... anything else? 
N: Well I crapped. Bad burrito. It turned out that I didn't flush the first time, then I returned for a second go and the toilet hadn't been flushed. I had no choice but to add to the bowl. It wasn't a choice. See, you seem to think that I choose not to flush, but flushing the toilet isn't an option. Most people are trained at a certain age to use the toilet. I was too, but my training was cut short because it was on the day of the Sally Jesse Raphael Show premiere and my mom just lost interest. I learned how to go in the potty, but after that I'm stumped. I just don't know what to do next.

PPO: Have you taken any steps to learn how to finish the process?
N: Honestly I have. I took a look at some community college catalogs and local community groups, but they don't seem to offer any classes in this sort of thing so late in life. Then I think, I've made it this far-- why can't I just keep it up? I'm in college and I don't even know how to finish pooping. The professors let me go because I'm really good at sports and they don't want me for another year. I'm going to get my degree, and I don't even know how to poop!

PPO: Don't you think that there's a problem with that? You're getting pushed through the system because you're such a bathroom problem? And what about diapers? Have you tried Depends?
N: Now this interview has taken an insulting turn-- don't insult me, don't patronize me! You're not better than me! I can't flush, but I'm still a person and that counts for something, doesn't it? I'm through with this interview! It's over.

And that was the end. I guess Newbie is like a lazy, nauseating Incredible Hulk. On the outside he's a normal college student with a tendency to listen to music loud enough to wake dead people; inside, he's a fragile child who was deprived proper instruction. And who's the bad guy in all of this? Pete Phillips? Perhaps. A self-described Flushing-Fighter, he is the one who has taken an active stance. Was he right to fight the right to not flush? Will we ever know? Without any answers, we can only thank Newbie for this insightful look at his beliefs and methods. Until he flushes, he may never live in peace.