Long Shirts: My Mistake
By: Pete Phillips
February 5, 2007

Left, wrong. Right, meh, okay.

Ladies, let's chit chat. You know I'm a big fan of you humans. You're pretty and hot, sweet and smart, stupid and confusing, caring and hurtful. You're everything, really, but that one, "stupid," that's standing out a little bit this fashion season. While I'm not a woman, I do feel responsible to take you under my wing and show you that you're making a huge mistake. Fashion's falling apart with the power of the long shirt. Winter's here, and you chicks are cold. I understand. I questioned how you made it through this season a little over a year ago.

It seems that someone listened to me and created long shirts. Long shirts, everybody... They took a shirt and made it longer. They did it to tee shirts, tank tops, tube tops, and whatever you can lengthen. There are different degrees of this problem, but you have to be more aware of the really awful occurrences. You can go for retro or whatever, but there's a point when you have to close your eyes, turn to the mirror, and open them. Then you may see that you look pretty stupid.

Let me get this "retro" thing out of the way, right off the bat: You wanna wear tights and a shirt on top, make it a really long shirt. I mean, if you're a hoebag or a moron, I suppose no one will care that you're broadcasting your butt (buzzword: "asscasting") to the world around you, but for you, I want you to know that it's just not that appealing for a guy who looks for a respectable woman. But then, who am I to judge?

I'll tell you who-- I'm the guy that sparked long shirts! And what a bad idea it was, in hindsight. I was in PriceChopper on Sunday and this girl walks right by me, but unusually close (just to give you some mental framework, I've become fairly oblivious to women lately because my last effort was such a disastrous spectacle). Anyway, if this woman didn't have perfume on, I would've never seen her at all. I sniffed around and saw this girl with seemingly hand-crafted facial features, bright blonde hair, and bright eyes. She's got tights and a shirt on. I think she had a short skirt or a bum flap that matched her sweater, so she was covered appropriately, but it was a bit of a downer to see such a pretty lady wearing the long shirt (or faux long shirt, in her case).

See, lots of guys don't like to look at blobs of fabric with a head on top and legs on the bottom. Guys like to see as many "positives" accentuated as possible. Now my experience wasn't ruined, because I appreciate a beautiful face more than you can imagine. However, I am also a guy-- and a good lookin' ass never hurt anybody... except Ben Affleck. He found a fine rebound for himself though, admit it.

I did a search for long shirts, hoping to come across the proper fashion name for the trend. Seems it's "long shirts." One college writer at some school in some state said, "I like the longer shirts. They're more flattering." To who, Miss Collegepants? While I understand that a proper long shirt can slim and accentuate the midsection, how many women actually use fashion trends functionally in everyday life? Thirty percent on a great day. The long shirt takes away the skin sides, which prevents guys from going, "Yo girl, your sides are really turning me on!"

The long shirt is covering your ass, ladies. The best part about the female posterior, is that you usually just have to have one for it to look good. It's really not very complicated. There are some girls who don't have anything behind them, and that's unfortunate. But you girls with butts shouldn't be pulling shirts over them. Go so far as to take sexual attraction out of the equation and you'll have this: it looks freakin' stupid. You look like a shirt and a dress had sex and gave birth to a terrible mixture that will never have an identity or social group for the rest of its sad, miserable life.

Most of the time, this strange, bastard shirt/dress is too short to cover the butt, but long past the waist. You end up with a shirt that stops halfway down your booty (yes, we're going to work in synonyms now). Now some girls will realize that this is strange and wear pants underneath, but others (and there are record numbers this year for oblivious women) may just forget and wear tights or nothing. People are crazy like that. Sure, say it doesn't happen. You're only lying to yourself.

I would like to clarify, at this point, that I'm not talking about shirts that flair out a little past the boobs and just finish at around the middle of the badokadonk (that one's for Joe Baldasare). Those shirts are fine. Some women are sensitive about their midsection and they feel that these shirts are more flattering. I'd assume there's more air flow for summer months too. The bad part is that these women are probably in much better shape than some of the ladies wearing the tight long shirt. While the intent is to slenderize the hips, it just accentuates what was supposed to be hidden. Houdini would be ashamed.

So where does it end? Well my first ending to this piece was brilliant and perfect, but the PPO editorial staff decided that there was no way it could be read as "funny" instead of "angry." I will likely call Greg and read it to him, he will laugh a whole lot, and I will feel it wasn't wasted. But you, you can settle for this finish: Ladies, just wear dresses. They have this greatness to them. Dresses don't call back to the days of post-disco cocaine use or pre-disco potheads, like a long sweater and tights. They have an air of class and grace. You can wear pants, jeans, whatever. All I'm saying is leave the hybrids to auto-makers and make up your mind in the morning. Will you wear a shirt or a dress? Topless is also acceptable.