Pete's Life "A State of Despiration"
By: Pete Phillips
January 8, 2007

Rendell, against a backdrop of PPO photos, made for press conferences like this

Governor Ed Rendell (D) took time out of his busy schedule to visit Wilkes-Barre this past weekend. While he's used to coming through the "city" to hand out giant checks for new beautification initiatives or (more rarely) to unveil the results of such initiatives, this was a visit of a different color.

The Governor was in town to declare my life a "state of desperation." It's hard to disagree with the assessment, brought to him by the Pete Phillips Online Science Team in November. Statistics compiled by the group show that Pete's life has taken a sharp decline in the past year, following a slight decline in '05. They credit the decline to several factors, but stress that further decline will wound me quite a bit.

I participated in the study and I knew about the results. Needless to say, I had a suspicion that these conclusions would be reached, but when the governor showed up, I thought it was a little excessive. I mean, they couldn't even get Jon Corzine? I mean, Rendell has no authority over my life, right? Sure, he can sign papers on my execution order or maybe pardon a traffic ticket or two, but come on... my life is my life.

"Not so," said Drake Mallard, of the PPO Science team. "We feel that your declining life is contributing to the success of Wilkes-Barre as a city. Rendell declaring your life desperate is actually a good thing for the city."

This is an interesting fact when you look at the past two years. Before my graduation from college, downtown Wilkes-Barre was a mess. There were no outlets for young people, much less old people, and just about all industry shut down by 6:00 PM. They took the Wendy's out years ago, and it was all gone to shit after that.

Since then, the city has seen a rebirth. Some stores stay open until the wee hours of 9:00 PM on weekdays. A movie theater opened, bringing a nightime crowd into the city. New lights make discarded beads from the new nightclub very visible. And billiards-billiards-billiards! Need I say more? They even opened a new joint-college bookstore that rallied the job market by providing 382 new jobs. Seriously, they seem to have three new employees every single time I go in there.

I've been anxiously awaiting the return of the Wendy's, but Drake told me it was impossible. "The return of Wendy's would spike your happiness level and, thereby, cause something in the city to decline. Perhaps if there is a fire in one of the new stores, Wendy's may return, but it's hard to say. A Wendy's might provide commerce for the city and happiness with you. That could cause a tear in the universe for all we know. We haven't had a chance to test these possibilities."

"We feel that there must be a city out there that Pete can live in harmony with. One that will lead him to prosper as the city also does. In Wilkes-Barre, it seems that the yin and yang is slanted at the moment, with Pete getting the short end of the stick," said Chloe Gabay, of development on the PPO Science Team.

The team credits a few areas with the decline of my quality of life. Chloe is quick to point out that I have a job with a steady paycheck, for example. "You also have a car that works, clothing, a couple friends, and a family that loves you, albeit, far away from your home. We feel that this is the problem. Most of your loved ones are too far away," she adds.

I tend to agree Chloe.

But how does this affect the common man, like those reading this piece? It's only fair to address their needs. "With few people in his life, Pete is forced into seclusion most of the time, leaving him with lots of time on his hands, but no material. In other words, his website's starting to suck pretty bad," Drake said, matter-of-factly.

Thanks, jerk. Though I can see where Drake and the team are coming from. There's been a decline in content here on the site and something must be done to make up for it. I have to meet people or move out. Any suggestions on how to interact with human beings or criticism of this study can be sent to scienceteam@petephillipsonline.com.